Sunday, May 4, 2014

A rambling, nonsense post about the monster that is cancer.

"And here it was, the great and terrible ten, slamming me again and again as I lay still and alone in my bed staring at the ceiling, the waves tossing me against the rocks then pulling me back out to sea so they could launch me again into the jagged face of the cliff, leaving me floating faceup on the water, undrowned."
-The Fault In Our Stars

The character Hazel on the grief of losing a loved one.

I've been thinking a lot about cancer lately.

The tenth anniversary of my Dad's death is in a couple of days.  I can't help but think back on my life ten years ago.  The sadness, the feeling of uncertainty that comes with the certainty of death, watching someone I loved die, watching people I loved dealing with the pain of someone they loved dying and mostly watching my Dad.

Cancer changes people.  Or the medicine does.  Or the pain.  I'm not sure, but I've watched it enough times to know that it changes them.  It also changes the people who don't have it.  Cancer is a heartless bitch.

 I fear cancer now.  I fear it for myself in the unknown of my aching joints and my scarred esophagus, though I'm always assured none of it has anything to do with cancer.  I always ask.  I fear it for my parents, who have both lost previous spouses from cancer.  I even hate the ugly word. Cancer.

To be quite honest I have moved on from losing my Dad.  Most people move on from losing someone they love.  It's a healthy thing to do.  Life continues and you start to forget, which I think is a good thing.  A favor our minds grant us.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him.  It's not fair.  But I'm ok, we all are.  But I will forever hate cancer.

*edit:  I almost didn't post this because it's so "negative" and it might "offend" people or people might not get it...but it's my blog, so whatever. 

1 comment:

Brittany T. said...

I just read that part and finished the book last night! Oh, I thought it was a sweet ending. But yes, how ugly cancer is and the pain! My nana M died of cancer in 1997 and she was just 51! I'm sorry to hear your dad had cancer and that you lost him so young. I think what you wrote was just perfect!