Giving Up My Independence

I have never been an overly independent person.

I have always relied heavily on my Mom.  I made my Mom go to Dr appointments with me until I got married at 22.  I still call my Mom when I can't find an item at the grocery store and some days, like today, when I can't quite seem to function, my Mom still makes me dinner.  My Mom and my Step- Dad make their 30 year old child soup, cut up fruit and deliver it to her kitchen.  They really are the best kind of people.

In the nearly nine years since I married Davin I've come to rely on him just as heavily.  I always joke that if he ever leaves me I'll live in a world with wrong clocks.  He does SO much for me.  Not only does he set all the clocks but he does 100% of the yard work, most of the cooking, takes care of the house, grocery shops, does laundry and so, so much more.  I do not take this for granted.  I'm grateful for him.

Another thing I've never been is apologetic.  I tend to live as I see fit.  I dress like I want to, I speak like I feel, I tell people what I think.  I am aware that people find me intimidating or blunt and sometimes even rude (although that's something I try never to be).

Since my early 2015 rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis and my 2017 osteoarthritis diagnosis and since whatever else is going on with my body that can't seem to be figured out has progressed...things have changed.  One of my worst fears has come to life.  Just about 40 years before it was expected.

My paternal Grandmothers Mother lived a long, long life.  I am almost positive she was over 100 when she died, but I was young and I could very well be mistaken.  I remember going to visit her when I was a child and being scared.  Not of her, never of her.  I was terrified of what had happened to her.  She had aged.  She had lost sight, hearing, mobility, memory and more.  I realized at a very young age that I would be the same someday.  It has been a fear of mine ever since.  

Lately I drop things constantly, I have trouble with my handwriting, I can't walk up stairs or get up out of a sitting position or type or drive or clean without pain.  I've finally started to feel the need to show independence, now that I am losing it. I carry things I shouldn't, pick up my kids when I know the pain it causes will last well into the night, carry all the groceries into the house so I don't have to bother my husband (although he is always insistent that he's happy to do all of these things for me).  I'm losing my independence.  It's scary and it's causing me a feeling of great guilt.

That's another thing, the guilt.  It's turned me into the type of person who spends her day apologizing.  I think this, more than anything, is the part of this whole thing that my husband just can't stand.  When I have to ask him to pick up the 4 year old who just scraped her knees, I apologize.  When I have to ask him carry things up the stairs, I apologize.  Have to leave work early because I have to sleep?  Apologize.  Need him to give me meds?  Apologize.  Can't go to a friend/family function because I need to lay still?  Apologize.

He doesn't make feel bad.  He always helps.  He tells me he doesn't care about all of this and he loves me regardless and he's happy...but the guilt is something I just can't shake.  I'm not sure how to cope with it.  Maybe I should find people who have dealt with the same thing.  Maybe this is just part of it.  I don't know.  When it comes to my health that's pretty normal for me...not knowing.

Here's one last apology, before I end this pointless pity party...

I'm sorry if you are offended by this.  I am sorry if you find me whiny.  If you think I should be grateful it's not worse.  If you know people with chronic pain who deal with it and don't let it affect their life and think I should be able to do the same.  If you have it worse.  I'm sorry.

But seriously, I didn't make you read this. ;)